If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
zippers are such a cool invention
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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