My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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