Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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