I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
