the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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