I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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