Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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