Your mouth is God's brothel.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
