ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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