I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Randomize
