he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize