It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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