Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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