well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
