yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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