you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
