Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
