how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Someone signed my nipple.
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