I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
