Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
