I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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