it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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