I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
