The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
