I'm eating all of the evidence.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just had sex on a roof
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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