I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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