Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
