If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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