If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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