where am i from again
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
