he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize