Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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