im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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