I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
