My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize