Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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