When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
