my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize