You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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