I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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