he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
