Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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