it's not cheating when I paid for it
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
