This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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