Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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