Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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