I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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