My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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