I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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