Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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