I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm sobbing to NWA
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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