My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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