i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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