im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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