We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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