Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
