the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
