my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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