I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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