Swine flu. Run for my life!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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