At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
