no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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