hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
